Poem: Closure by Alexus A. Washington

2 November 2016

closure

The only thing that closure ever did for me…

was open doors.

Its been a year and I still haven’t figured out how to shut you out.

There is a fence around my house that is just barely high enough for you NOT to climb over.

I built it myself.

Just for you.

I set up road blocks around my heart. There is no detour that would lead you to it.

All of the highways are closed off due to the damage caused by a storm named after you.

For 2 inconsistent years, I looked into the windows of your soul and got lost in the most dangerous place to be in a hurricane.

Your eyes.

I wrapped caution tape around my body like everyday is an ABC party. I figured the least I could do was warn them.

I’m off limits.

I put my healing heart behind a glass case with a sign that says “Break in case of emergency” because if my being is ever at risk again for falling for you, I pray that someone doesn’t spare me the cold reality.

I hope that they break my heart before you do.

All communication between us was blocked off. No texting, no sexting, no DMs, WYDs or IMUs at 2 am.

and it was all for my own good.

So, imagine my surprise finding out that there is no mental block that I can use to get rid of you.

There is no delete button to remove you from my memories.

One glimpse of you and all interactions are restored and filed accordingly.

There is no unsubscribe option for your many appearances in my dreams.

I wish I could OPT out.

I tried to get over you.

I tried to stay away from you.

I tried to forget you.

I tried to forgive you.

I tried to shut a door that you never even cared enough to knock at.

Because I know that if you did, I’d let you in.

Because if you came to my fence, I’d remove the padlock.

If you got lost on the way to me, I’d give you my new address.

ALL I’ve ever done for you was keep the door cracked.

And the only thing closure ever did for me was open it back.

 

For more poetry —-> Poetry: “Closure”

Featured Artist: Briennia Jenkins!

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Check out Evoke.Embody.Evolve!’s very first featured artist here!

Briennia De’andra Jenkins is a 21-year-old singer, rapper, songwriter and poet. Majoring in accounting, she is in her final year at Coastal Carolina University. During her time at Coastal, Briennia has been an active participant in many organizations….read more here —> Featured Artist: Briennia D. Jenkins

Message to the singles:

single-on-vday

If you woke up to a lengthy text from your significant other, professing their overwhelming love and appreciation for you, how cute! But, this post isn’t for you. If any edible arrangements, bouquets of roses or chocolates made it to your desk or front door, how very thoughtful! But, this post isn’t for you.  If you were wined and dined last night or got engaged, congratulations! I’m happy for you! However, this post isn’t for you.

But if you didn’t receive that reminder of how much you are loved, that life-size teddy bear or the predictable rose petals leading to a surprise.. This message is for you.

Dear Single & Aware,

You are adequately loved, trust me. I know this because the greatest love story has already happened and you were a part of it! Jesus died to love you. Understand that God’s love for you is unmatched and unwavering.  If you felt extra lonelyon Valentine’s day, it was an illusion and a spiritual attack. God would never leave or forsake you.(Deuteronomy 31:6). You are never alone.

Don’t feed into the expectations that society has placed on relationships. If you’re single right now, it’s not a coincidence or a mistake. You were meant to endure this season of singleness so that you could pursue His perfect heart and grow as the man/woman that God has called you to be. Don’t look at singleness as loneliness or feel like you’re just “waiting for the one”. Movies, TV shows and books offer entertaining stories but these things can cripple the perspective that we have on relationships. The media can reinforce this idea that your life doesn’t begin until you’ve met the person you want to spend it with. This just isn’t true. LIVE in this very moment. Go places! Do things! Find God and yourself! This isn’t a passive waiting game. You are actively being tested and prepared!

You’re not single because you’re a bad texter, you’re annoying or you can’t get over your ex. You’re not single because “all of the good men/women are taken” or because “this generation doesn’t take relationships seriously”. Those reasons just don’t suffice when our God is so great. He takes His relationship with you very seriously! You are single because you are supposed to be in this moment. Trust His timing and plan for your life.

So, if you woke up on Valentine’s day to the flood of couples’ posts on your Instagram, witnessed a proposal or felt extra lonely that night because all of your friends had other plans, that’s okay. Be happy for them. But, also be happy for yourself and the time that God has given you as well. It truly is a gift.

I’ve heard many people refer to the day as “Singles’ Awareness Day”. If anything, make sure you’re aware of God’s love for you. Just relax! You aren’t ready until He says you’re ready. Until then, take comfort in the fact that you can’t ruin what you haven’t had yet. 🙂

Keep evolving!

-AAW

New POTW!

prompted

Name one thing you have lied to yourself about. Why did you do this?…

My response:

If I had to narrow it down to one thing, I would have to say that I lied to myself a great deal during my job search this summer.

I graduated back in May 2016 with a B.A. in communication and had a hard time accepting that God’s timing just wasn’t synchronized to my personal deadlines or calendars. I wanted to move off and do great things, meet new people, (blah blah blah) and had a  small window of time to make it happen. It was primarily based on when and where I could find a decent paying job. So, I put in application after application and the rejections came pouring in days before I walked across the stage.

Over and over again, I would get hung up on the possibility of some full time job, any job really, that even hinted at a little security. I desperately wanted to be able to have something to show for my degree.  I considered so many different avenues: cellphone retail sales, insurance claims, bank telling, property managing, reservations, admissions coordinating, etc. It was frustrating and disheartening to constantly get rejected for jobs that I was positive that I was qualified for.

I even applied for a supervisor position within a department on campus that I worked for for two and half years. The basic qualifications: customer service experience, experience working in that environment, a bachelors degree… Everything I had. I figured “experience + degree + connections = job”. I didn’t even get an interview.

They all said no. Still, I think the real tragedy would have been if any of those companies had actually hired me.

I was in a low place. I cried to God for months about it because I was afraid of the future and had no idea what I was meant to do with my life. I wanted things on my time and was upset that nothing I tried to force would fit.

So, I formulated a master plan to avoid anymore rejection: Step 1: Go for my MBA. Step 2: Start a business. Step 3: Hire myself! After all, in school, everyone could see my potential. In school, I didn’t have to apply, I was invited. In school, I was rarely ever turned down because all that mattered was my GPA. In classes, I felt like I belonged. In the world, I felt insignificant. I spent the next few weeks scrambling to complete paperwork for admissions and financial aid, going back and forth with my family (they didn’t think it was necessary) and trying to convince myself that it was the best route to take.

Things were looking up. I had a plan. Obtaining another degree seemed to make sense.

But then, two weeks before the semester started, everything turned around. I went for an interview with a college and  was called back the same day to schedule a second interview. The morning of the second interview, I received a call. They wanted to cancel the interview and had decided to go in a different direction with the job. I felt relieved because I was conflicted about if I would take it or go back to school. I no longer had to choose. Closer to the time of the scheduled interview, I received another call from the director who led my first interview. I told her that I was under the impression that they had decided on another candidate. Well, it turned out that the interview was canceled because they had already made the decision to offer me the job.

It was a full time salaried job with benefits!  So, guess what I did?..That’s right, I turned it down! After all of that crying, praying, rejection,etc.. I turned it down because I had really drilled it into my own head that I had to back to school, when in reality, I just wanted to be able to say that I was doing something. I also felt that, because I made so much of a fuss about getting admitted and registered, I couldn’t abandon the defense mechanism I had built for myself. She told me that they would move on and interview more candidates.

I thought I was doing the right thing by sticking to my guns but honestly, I never felt at peace about it. I realized that I was forcing myself to stick to something  because I had invested so much time into the idea of it.

Days later, I called the director back and she informed me that although the committee had moved on to more candidates, they would still consider me when it came time to make the decision. I just knew that I blew it. Even if was qualified, who would want to hire someone this indecisive?

The wait over the weekend felt so long. But, on Monday, she called me and offered me the job for the SECOND time. This time, I accepted.

When I look back on it now, the time span was only over the course of a few months. However, it felt like my season of rejection went on for years. I made plan after plan and every last one fell through. To combat the failure, I chose something I was certain I could not fail at: school. That was my safe place. Let me be the one to tell you that safe doesn’t always mean that it’s meant for you. I was so committed to my own plan that when God did send me the job I had been praying for, I passed it up.

The irony is that I now have the opportunity to go back to school with tuition assistance and loan forgiveness because of this job.

The greatest lie I told myself: My plan was better than His.

Apply it! What have you lied to yourself about? Leave a comment!

Check out what others said here —> Prompt of the Week

2017 is not MY year.

dreaming-of-being-an-entrepreneurThis is everyone else’s year. This is the year that I go beyond my own needs and use the gifts that God gave me to help others. This is a year of action and selflessness but above all else, I pray that this is the year that I die. Not physically, but mentally. I pray that the parts of me that hold me back from being the woman that God called me to be will be laid to rest. I’m expecting this to be painful, tedious and frustrating. It will hurt to uncover and dig out the wickedness. It will take time to transform. It will be frustrating when I fail but I know all of this will be a part of the process. And I am confident that in due time, it will get easier and I will see change.

2017 is also not my YEAR because I recognize that a year is not enough time to accomplish everything that I would like to. I recognize that my effort should go beyond this. The goals that I begin this year are long term. I watched a sermon recently that gave tips on “working your window”. The key to change is claiming the victory before you can see it, focusing in on one or two realistic goals at a time, and not stopping short.

So without further ado, here are my goals:

  1. Volunteer at least twice a month.
  2. Find a local church home.
  3. Be more consistent in tithing, prayer and time with God.
  4. Grow as a writer, artist and blogger.