Lean In 

For those late night walks through the neighborhood. For stolen glances and any excuse to ignore the tension in the room. For intimate encounters without sex. For hesitating to say goodbye but needing to. For poetic inspiration. Lean in.

I don’t want to want you.

But I knew the minute I leaned into the kiss that you had started, everything I buried was being dug back up just for you.

I got butterflies in my stomach like you didn’t take my heart and burn it to the ground. Now you’re using that flame to set my soul on fire.

I’m watching my desires devour and destroy me. How nice of you to buy me front row seats to my demise.

Still, I WANTED … to kiss you. Can you believe that? After everything. I spent the whole time thinking I want to kiss those lips. I think you did too.

But, we resist. For a while.

Could you feel the gravitational pull as we started off across the room with comfortable but cautious conversations that always get carried away?

Moths to light. Mouth to mouth.

Do you remember the last time…

..when I decided to move on?

…when you found someone new?

….when we agreed to be friends?

…when I couldn’t commit?

…when you couldn’t stop killing me softly… deeply… slowly…?

Do you?

I do… but your eyes convince me to construct a case of amnesia.

The next thing I know,  I’m pushed up against a wall and my mouth is on yours.

I’m lying on your chest and taking in giant gulps of your cologne.

I feel safe while I suffer in the arms of my serial spring fling.

I am dying at your hands but your lips awaken me.

Kiss me, I think.

But I start for the door.

“This is a mistake,” I say…

Then I lean in for more.

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Tumblr Tuesdays: Before WordPress or Evoke Embody Evolve, for me, there was Tumblr. This is where it got real….raw…emotional..brutally honest. For years, I poured my frustrations into a password protected space. Now, each Tuesday, I’ll release an unpublished post just for you. Hear that?… That’s the sound of a classic coming up for air.

SOLD.

The regret that came with taking a job that I wasn’t passionate about caught up with me. I thought that “making it” meant button ups and business cards. I found out, however, that the salary could not sustain the artist that lives in me.

I feel like I sold my soul for a seat at a table with people who don’t value my opinions or passions anyway.

I auctioned off my creative mind for a 9-5 because I thought success meant having an office.

They gave me a salary in exchange for the time that I’ve wasted trying to convince myself that I could be happy doing this forever.

They dangled business cards before my eyes so that I would feed into the lie that people knowing my name could be more fulfilling than knowing myself.

They gave me my personal extension hoping that I wouldn’t take any wake up calls. Took down my direct deposit information to send me the same amount every month but what I desperately needed was a reality check.

I sat in HR discussing benefits while burying the parts of me that make me feel alive. I had a funeral on the same day that I set up retirement.

You look so good in your business attire but you have no business being here when there is a fire inside of you.

Creative minds, beware of what it will really cost you to get paid at a job that you prayed for because you were too afraid that your real ambitions would fail.

Beware of the discomfort you will feel in the shoes that were easy to put on but made for someone else’s feet. You will have to shrink yourself to fill them.

The worst parts of your day will be when they point out your gifts but won’t value them. You will resent them for the box that you put yourself in.

Your purpose will shine through in the mediocrities of the job and their compliments will cut like insults because it insinuates your true potential.

You’ll take the title attached to the name attached to the face that you won’t be able to pick out in a line up.

Line up! Next to all of the lost, creative souls who did a disservice to themselves. Is it a homicide or a suicide to kill your dreams with doubt?

You’re successful but a monster for watching yourself suffer.. for a seat at a table with people who don’t know you or value you because you placed more value on your desired pay than your inner most desires.

“Congratulations! We are excited to offer you a position with our company” accompanied with the regret you will feel when you realize that you can still hit rock bottom.. at the top.

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